april 3rd, 2019


my day was too long but still okay.

i woke up a bit late, made it to class, time seemed to drag on and on... the minutes would not stop pressing down on me...

after school my mom went with me to a thrift store nearby and a craft store. she had to spend at least 50$ to get 20$ off and ended up spending a lot of money on little fairy figures for her garden.

though I really cannot blame her. litle fairy items are important for my and her developmental growth, and will radiate positive ions into the air. so very cute, it will cure me of any disease.

in spite of this depression has been dragging on me like a chomp chomp in mario. it is very hard to move, to function, to slither.

since my mom took quite a time shopping i was nearly late for my class at 6pm, so i ran in and out of the house to grab my backpack and attended class till 8:30pm. i am glad it didnt last as long as it could, 9:45, and I feel bad for kinda escaping as soon as i could but oh well.

when I got home, I ate two tacos made from leftover meat, old torillas, and parmesean shredded cheese. very munch... i want more because i really like that meat and cheese but I already filled my belly =(

i had a little puffy wuffy since i was having pain and tried to relax. i am writing this and I am very very tired so ill be going to bed after i type all this.....

even though i made it to school today, to all my classes, and made a good effort at everything, sometimes my brain will really not cooperate with me and still make me feel like shit. i can tell going to school everyday like a normal child is nice and good and is healthy to developent, and adds structure nd a defined mealtime to my life. which is all well and good. but whenever I am there i feel like all my life force is being drained. like i just constantly think about passing out and i want to sleep all the time. or smash myself in the wall and go into a coma because i really, really, really,really, really cannot stand being there. i think i might have some lowkey schoolphobia or something because of the stuff i went thru in middle school and my reculsivness for the last few years. being in an enviroment scares me... and yet................. i do it...........................

ive felt like this in middle school all the time when i was really depressed, but i guess since ive adjusted to going to school everyday again, my feelings of undiluted despair come back when i roam the halls... yet i feel bad when i take a mental health day and hm. school is not all bad, i am glad i was able to make some friends. but im usually not happy when im there, and im also not happy if im not at least a little productive.

also my social anxiety is getting better and let me just say... from being a total incel shutin it is crazy? being able to make friends? and i invited a friend over to hang out the other day which is sometimes i like have not done since i was a little kid. crazy to be a chad sometimes.

i dont know entirely what all i wrote made sense but im just rtrying to get some kind of feeling out before it gets uncomfortably heavy. i have mixed feelings about going to school everyday. idk idk. i have mixed feelings about how much work i force myself to do unnecessairly. idk. idk. i feel like i need to sleep for a few days.

my aura is currently periwinkle